How To Ask A Woman Out

Follow these rules to make the process simple – and successful. Listen in as the ladies tell you what they like.
My good friend Brian had been flirting with his crush for what seemed like forever before he finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. He thought the date was in the bag--after all, they had exchanged witty banter and flirty smiles for weeks. But when he invited her to dinner, she stammered and said, ‘Maybe...’ “I don’t get it,” he said later. “What did I do wrong?” Oh jeez---chances are, he violated the basic girl guidelines that if not followed, can squash even a nice guy’s shot at love. So what will make a woman say yes? Allow me to explain.

1) Pick. Up. The. Phone.
O.K., we live in a world of Blackberries, cell phones, and emoticons, which makes communication easier---and often a lot more impersonal. So laying off advanced technology in favor of the phone will do wonders for building intimacy and securing a date. “Studies show that people have a much harder time saying no to a request when they’re asked over the phone,” says Laurie Puhn, a relationship expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words To Change Your Life . “Sure, it adds a bit more pressure, but that’s a good thing, especially if you don’t know each other well.” Be clear that you are asking her on a date, too. Say something like, “Would you have dinner with me this Friday?” instead of, “Hey, maybe we should hang out sometime.”

Need more encouragement? Erin, 28, shares how a date requested by phone changed her love life: “My feelings were on the fence for a guy I barely knew, but when he called to ask me out, I accepted because I didn’t have time to say no,” she says. “I’m glad he was bold from the start, otherwise I never would have married him two years later!”

2) Ask in advance
“Women are innate planners, so in order to win her affection you’ll have to tweak your mindset,” says Puhn. “That means, ask her out four or five days in advance.” Sure, it may seem a little formal to give so much notice, but it will have a payoff. Not only does asking early up the odds of scoring face time with your crush, doing so shows you respect her time. In other words, you’re saying, ‘I want to do this!’ Laura, 30, wishes her last date had followed this maxim. “Bruce would give me four hours’ notice; he’d call me mid-afternoon and say, ‘Hey, how about dinner tonight?’,” she says. “The last-minute requests made me think I wasn’t a priority, so I stopped seeing him.” And while there’s nothing wrong with the occasional spur-of-the-moment tryst (“I won White Stripes tickets!”), be sure to temper your spontaneity with more drawn-out dates in between.

3) Be the man with a plan
Plain and simple: Women love a man with a plan. Why? For starters, suggesting fun activities shows you’re into trying new things, which is always exciting. “Introduce any invitation with, ‘I have an idea!’ and you’ll grab her attention immediately,” says Puhn. Just ask Julia, 28. “The guy I’m dating first approached me by saying, ‘Hey, can I take you to my favorite bowling alley?’ He wanted me to experience something he loved, which was flattering.” Another pre-date pointer: Give her options. Cate, 30, met a guy who gave her a choice before their first date. “He said, ‘Let’s do A or B. You chose---but I’ll take care of the details.’ I liked his approach because I was in the driver’s seat, but everything was still his idea. It was a total turn-on.”

4) Leave your buddies at home
When planning a first date, make sure it’s a solo outing for you and the woman in question. “Sometimes men opt for group dates because it alleviates pressure,” says Puhn. “The problem is, it usually suggests to a woman that she’s not worth your undivided attention.” While we do like meeting your friends eventually, when it comes to the first date, make it exclusive, otherwise things can get murky. “When Scott and I arrived at the restaurant, his friends were seated at our table,” recalls Rebecca ,37, of a recent first date. Were they there to keep us company? Pass judgment? Chaperone? It was totally confusing and sure didn’t start things off on good footing.”

That said, there are exceptions. The key is to let your lady know in advance that your pals will be present. “Adam asked if I would accompany him to a dinner party,” says Julie, 26. “I liked that he warned me ahead of time that I would be meeting his friends––that way, I was prepared to hang with his inner circle and know that they’d be evaluating me.”

Bonus tip: Follow up
So you had an amazing date? Nice! Tell her that. The truth is, much of the stress about dating comes from the fact that women tend to overanalyze a man’s intentions. Does he like me? Is this a fling? Will he call? But you’ll nip her anxiety in the bud by sending a simple post-date recap expressing how much fun you had. “A woman’s interest in a man peaks the day after a first date,” says Puhn. “The morning after, she’s still glowing---but with no contact on each passing day, her excitement will wane.” So shoot her an email no later than mid-morning. Mary Beth, 29, weighs in: “Checking in the next day may even give me the courage to ask you out on date two!”

Elise Nersesian is a New York-based freelance writer who has written for Redbook, Quick & Simple and other national magazines.